What are you to do when that new job you started, you know, the one that was full of hope and promise, is now causing conflict at home? This series is built entirely around helping you get the support you need from home while also calming things down.
We start by changing your mind-body connection. In this way, no matter what happens, you’ll be able to access this connection no matter how conflicted things become. There are a three big ideas to consider here that will help you before you try out the practice.
Belief In Scarce Time & Energy
Perhaps you have are guarding your time and energy in order to learn the ropes at your new job. This completely makes sense. However, you may have sequestered more time and energy than your friends and family are used to or more importantly depending on to keep there life going smoothly. If you end up protecting or more than likely holding on to more time and energy than in your old job, this might be a point of conflict.
Structured Protection Makes A Defense Real
Any time you start taking formal measures to protect something, then your defensive position is made real. Have you altered your schedule and availability with your family to support your new job? This is not unusual and may be the prudent thing to do in the short run. Did your family get involved with this? Is this where the conflict started? Just keep in mind that the bigger the protection, the more defensive your position is to others.
Try Reactance Instead Of Stability
The key idea with the FREE practice is trying to get more skill with being able to react to something new rather than pursuing stability. When you went through the job change, there could be conflict with trying to keep things the same when things at home just can’t stay the same. Any sudden shift will be made easier the more you can react proper instead of resisting to keep things status quo…aka stable. Think about flowing instead of holding on.
If you’re wanting to better trust your ability to react to change, then download the practice and give a try for the next few weeks.
Here in lies a potential widening gap causing stress at home: degrading trust. I’m not talking about anyone’s honesty being less, but rather some assumptions that are no longer valid. When a change occurs, usually some assumptions that made life easier do as well. Although, frequently it isn’t discussed, or even recognized, openly, it often is lurking out there. For those close relationships, like your family, subtle shifts are felt pretty quickly and perhaps not discussed.
Regardless of the magnitude or source, a loss of trust does not help things at home. So, there are a few things to keep in mind as we work to get some of that trust back with your new job.
Trust First To Be Trusted
Extending trust first is a much faster way to build trust with others than hoping they will trust you. Yes, it does put you out there a bit. So this hopefully is a lot easier to do with your family because you know them, you love them, and giving each other the benefit of the doubt usually comes much easier at home than anywhere else.
Believe You Can Handle The Change
Perhaps a little bit before you can extend trust to your family that they want to support you is the belief you can handle this job change successfully. I’m not talking about a hollow pep talk or the “fake it, ’till you make it” mentality. What I’m talking about is stepping back and honestly looking at your new job. You wanted it, they believed you could do it and now you have the new job. You probably have handled way bigger changes in your life, so remember that.
Once you are reminded and logically see you can do this, extending trust should come a whole lot easier.
Putting Happiness Out There
Watch out if you are placing your current happiness out there in the future or on your family. If you are thinking that your time and energy are scarce resources, the value of them to you goes way up. What’s more, when you do give of yourself to your family of something very precious you may be expecting a return or that they reciprocate. If this is happening during a change, it is not likely to happen in the short run. Thinking of your resources as investments at home for a short term return might be backfiring on you. When you give the gift of yourself, trusting it is as gift, without giving to get, will build trust.
Is Your Time Limited?
Perhaps you need a more robust time management tool. With over a decade of “battle testing”, the Tessagen Time Management System has been honed to be quite robust. I used it personally for all sorts of jobs with different preferences and sensitivities to time. Click here to download your FREE copy of the template along with the other essential tools for personal change.
Now let’s dig a bit deeper into this. There could be more to the current situation than it appears. In fact, the level of support you see, may have come up before and perhaps in slightly different versions for you. Looking more deeply may help you.
Perfect Timing vs. Opportunity
Back tracking just a bit to the belief of limited time and resources. As soon as this perception takes hold, it may put you on the defensive. So, what may be keeping this belief firmly in place right now is the slight variation: perfect timing. When you are trying to get the world to synchronize, that usually takes quite a bit of effort and requires you to exercise a lot of control out in the world. No doubt, that’s a lot of effort and defending what you’ve established is quite valuable.
Step back a bit and see if you are trying to get things to happen with a high degree of synchronization. And even if you notice it’s not very much, what’s available to you if you could react to opportunity faster and when the opportunity is more subtle?
Measuring Conformance As A Sign of Caring
Another tricky thing that can be on autopilot is looking to see who’s playing by your rules as a way to figure out if things are working. This can be very useful but may not be so useful here. Remember that trust thing? Usually should long and close relationships have more trust built up. Regardless, extending trust that the caring is still there can be important. There are times and people that poke holes and challenge things as a way for them to feel more secure about things. In fact, if you have someone in your life that plays the devil’s advocate role often, they could be building trust and comfort with your new role and this is just their way of going about adjusting to the new circumstance.
If you’re looking to understand this better, then try coaching. The first 30 days of your program are FREE of charge and no obligation to continue if it isn’t working for you. Start your program now by clicking here.
Is a loved one’s new job causing tension? This seemed like such a good idea but maybe now you have second thoughts about the job. All is not lost and this still could be a great new job. It also is common to have tension at home with a change in loved one’s life. There are some things you can try to reduce the tension and even help your loved one settle into success at their new job. Here are 3 approaches to try.
They Have An Unmet Need
As hard as it may seem at times, the tension is probably the way your loved one expresses a need for something. If there’s tension it could be that they aren’t totally clear on what they need. It also isn’t unusual for a new job to put a different kind of a demand on a person that many people don’t recognize: the need to go through changes in how they run their life. As they “learn the ropes” of the new job things usually get better. However, it is also common that this new job has some permanent shifts in how they allocate their time and attention. This may not be an easy thing for them to figure out how to do well with the job and your family, hence their unmet need to find a solution.
What to do? First thing is approaching them when the conflict isn’t in high gear. When things are a bit calmer you can try and guess what the need is. Start by saying an “I” statement about how you feel, like, “I feel more tired lately since you started your new job”. Then an observation such as, “You seem more [stressed out, exhausted, distracted, etc] since you started the job.” Then check your guess for their need as an open ended invitation to discuss it toward a solution, “Is it because you need [extra time, less distractions, etc] for a little while?” From there, let them refine what the need is and work together toward a solution.
The big aide here is not really getting it right about a need but rather reflecting to your loved you that noticed a need and care enough to help them with it.
Resetting Time & Energy Boundaries
Along the same line of an unmet need is there might need to be shifts in responsibilities. The top 2 areas people in jobs need is more time to focus on the job’s learning curve and the energy to handle the learning and changes. This is where if you can get an idea about how best to help your loved one AND still get the family’s needs met in a different way, the tension should drop significantly. This could be in the form of changing up who does what around the house. It could also look like dropping some things because these items may be causing trouble instead of happiness. Sometimes these are the most difficult to come to terms with as a family because in a small sense it is mourning a past way the family operated and lived.
Are They Avoiding Things?
You may also see a pattern of avoidance for things that take time, energy and maybe even talking about the obvious tension in the family. It is not unusual if someone is already feeling overwhelmed that even dealing with working things out with their family looks like even more of a drain than they have the ability to give. For this, you may want to just shift boundaries, responsibilities and relax on some things until they seem more capable again. This could be as short as a few weeks but honor yourself and the family if things drag on too long without dealing with the tension and changes.
Ok, if you’ve tried everything else so far or you’re ready to put some muscle into this topic for yourself, here’s a free practice. You will be best served by coupling this with the original practice that kicked off the series. Click here to get your free copy of that practice.
In this practice it’s about challenging an assumption about how your loved one’s seem to be responding to you and your new job. If you’re new to coaching practices, watching the video and giving it a shot will go a long way for you. There really isn’t a “wrong way” to engage in a practice. It’s more about trying it out with a sense of exploration rather than skill perfection. Download the official practice to help guide you through details and key questions to reflect on.
I wish you the best of luck and hope this brings you some resolution!
Russell Lindquist, Founder & Principal
Russell is a Certified Integral Professional Coach(TM). I help leaders and entrepreneurs break through plateaus, earn more respect and move on to their next level of success. 80% of my clients take on more responsibility with less stress, more success, and half of them get a promotion or earn more money within 6 months of completing their program. www.tessagen.com